Years ago–I’m dating myself here–somebody…Art Linkletter maybe…put out a book titled ?Kids Say the Darndest Things?. And that’s what it was all about, taken from his television show where he talked to children of various ages on an array of topics intended to get many levels of entertaining and/or embarrassing responses. Well, I haven’t been on television for a while but there are some amazing items spotted lately in the paper or in the mail that have piqued my interest. I don’t think that my mother will be embarrassed at this point; she’s pretty much seen it by now.
So…. Item number one : This one particular mail order crew is, on one page of the catalogue, pushing camo stuff–camouflage heavy-duty, all-weather floor mats, camouflage steering wheel cover (with rubber grips), camouflage sunshade (for your car). Outdoorsy, he-man, rough-n-tough sort of appeal, am I right? Right. On the other side of the page( for a different crowd altogether, I gather) we find a photo touting Totally Nude Aerobics DVD. Ha! The ad copy warns possible orderers to “get ready to feel the burn, and the freedom of working out in the nude!” It goes on to point out that aerobics is not just about exercise but also about looking good during and after the workout; ten segments include stretching, jumping, crunches, leg lifts and more! I don’t know about you but “looking good” is not what instantly comes to mind when I think about totally nude aerobics…certainly not in participating in such a thing. Lord help us if there’s a mirror in the room where this is taking place. It’d probably crack into a million pieces as soon as the activity began and the thought of doing totally nude aerobics in a group setting is simply unfathomable. Too distracting. Too sweaty. Too likely to cause an outburst of giggles and snorts of unknown origins. Good Grief! The ad is accompanied by a photo of some chick–clothed in a leotard of some sort, thank God–whose picture had clearly been photoshopped, because nobody–I hope–is shaped like that. Part of a tattoo was in evidence, which was fine, but her lower torso and the hip connection was painfully deformed. Sort of made me think of those performance animal costumes where two people are dressed to be a single horse and the back half doesn’t move right. The upper part had the standard low-cut purple spandex, cascading hair and pouty lips; the product logo was right across the crotch. A class presentation all the way. There was also a warning box about sexually explicit material and adult subject matter. They said it will be shipped discreetly–no clear plastic wrappings, presumably. The description finishes with a direction to consult a physician before attempting this and…this is good…results may vary. You betcha!
The news item–Akron Beacon-Journal– that caught my eye–Item number two : A firm in Cleveland, run by a father and son, named Save My Ink Forever, is in business to remove and preserve the tattoos of deceased persons. Three generations of morticians in their family gave them the technical background and skills to pursue this commercial activity; they have developed a process involving removal of tattooed skin, treatment with a preservative, and about three more months of procedures, ending with something that looks like “ a piece of parchment”, which is then framed and sent to the family. What a way to remember Aunt Harriet, eh? The firm does not do real intimate body art (if you get my drift) nor do they make the “parchment” into book covers or lampshades. Dignity done tastefully is what they aim for. If “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” some people may have to squint quite a bit to find remembrance in this but…to each his own, I guess.
