The Porch Kitty Fan Club is still alive and well. The Fabulous Felines’ more-or-less annual Christmas gift arrived just the other day(Since it came on the 5th, I gather that the group belongs to an Orthodox faith and were celebrating the arrival of the Three Kings. They skipped Kwanzaa altogether.) Anyway the package contained a pouch of Crunchy Treats in chicken flavor, which the front porch crowd heartily approved of. The info on the front of the pouch made me kind of chuckle. It promised that the treats were made from Real USA Chicken (What? There’s a problem with some manufacturers slipping in sub-standard Icelandic chicken?). It further stated that the texture would help control tartar (So hard to get the pussycats to brush…and don’t even think about flossing! It’s as much as your life might be worth to try getting that in a cat’s mouth and escape with your fingers). And–this was a hoot–each individual nugget inside was rated at only 2 calories (None of MY treats have been held to anything like that. Certainly not the Christmas fudge made by the good neighbor across the street. Yum)! Anyway, none of the residents of the feline persuasion are on Weight Watchers yet (though at least two of the inside boarders could probably sign up, if only they could write their signatures instead of just scratching). I notice that we do not have as many traveling salesman-types or sailors-with-a-kitten-in-every-port since Mama Cat got reformed (a spay job will do that), so the consumption of cat food has been reduced. Sunny, the survivor of the last litter is still around (a Mama’s boy?), ensconced in his own styrofoam apartment and so “pouffily fuzzy” that he sometimes looks like a Polar Bear-gone-bad with a failed “peroxide-blond” hair-do and a crazy comb-out. There’s another, lighter-colored visitor who has figured out the time schedule for the free meals and a visitor from across the street named Garfield who has better digs on that front porch and better food but he must come over for the intellectual conversation. They’re all pleased, I’m sure, to have admirers, especially ones who send presents.
The card that came with the present had on the front “IF CATS PULLED THE SLEIGH” and shows a scene with cats lounging about–as they do–and Santa imploring, “Come ON you guys! WE HAVE TO GO!!” Inside, the cats are still lounging–they’re so good at it–and Santa is exclaiming, “Stop weaving in and out of my legs!” It all seems perfectly plausible to me, even the one cat sitting on top of the bag in the sleigh looking totally disinterested in both pix.
Of course mine will also be gratified–if such a feeling can ever be ascribed to a cat–to know (I will tell them) that a donation has gone to the Portage APL from their admirers. Darn right! Any one of them could have been a resident there if they had not the good fortune to wind up here, where “the livin’ is easy” and they know where their next kibble is coming from…and they have fans who appreciate their finer qualities…whatever they are – inquiries are still being made.
The existence of this posse of felines on and around the front porch has caused the local bird population to be a little wary of when they can make use of the birdfeeders, though the squirrels have been undaunted, for the most part. They have been ripping open the suet cake holders, making flying leaps to every kind of seed source that they can spot, knocking the things over and spattering seed all over the ground so they can get at it even more easily. That’s why we have the amazing growths under the feeder locations when Spring roll around. Last year I tried some birdseed that I had seen in a publication somewhere; it had coated the seed with capsaicum, the stuff that makes hot peppers hot. Apparently, the squirrels, as creatures whose mouths operate with the lubrication of saliva, like us, are not intoTabasco-tainted vittles because it makes their mouths burn. Birds have no such issues and will happily scarf down anything left by the rodents. I have not seen any of that particular delicacy yet this year but as soon as I do, I’ll mix it with the regular stuff–heavy on the black oil sunflower seeds and some gourmet offerings with fruit and nuts–and see if we can discourage the long-tails again.
Apropos of nothing in particular, I want to issue a warning : new catalogs have begun to come in the mail–not the Burpee’s or Stark Bro’s. yet, though they’re surely on the way–so you may be hearing of some sensational new products that have caught my fancy…or not. One new one is just full of smart-mouth posters and bumper stickers and pins and all sorts of such-like stuff; you may be getting all-star selections from there, or commentary from The King Arthur Flour catalog featuring items that the King himself would never use in his kitchen. Heck, half of the cooks in the country wouldn’t know what the gadgets are for.
Anyway, here’s one of the smartmouth sayings that might ring a bell with a lot of folks : “Stupidity Kills…but not fast enough.”
